When I was first accepted to go overseas back in 2017 there was so much excitement. I had been asking God for months to show me what He wanted for my life after I graduated from college. He had given me an answer and it seemed as if the doors were opening.
Then there were a couple of bumps in the road. I was having trouble raising the support I needed to go, my dad had a health scare, and Moises came into my life. After a couple months of talking and praying we decided I was going to wait to move overseas so we could get married and go together.
This past January it looked like everything was back on track. We were approved to go overseas and began our support raising. The excitement was fresh again, but it didn’t last long. In February we were hearing more and more about COVID-19. I don’t think we realized how serious it would become.
By the beginning of March, we received and email that all travel for workers was cancelled until further notice. My heart sank as I watched moving overseas slip through my fingers once again.
In a lot of ways, I’ve been living in limbo for the past three years. At first, I was okay with it. I had a goal and the end was in sight. But when every meeting I set up with people began getting cancelled and person after person who promised to give didn’t follow through, I began to get discouraged. Why was this so hard? Everyone kept telling me this was the easy part. Living overseas was the hard part.
I felt stuck. And then I met Moises. He is one of my biggest encouragements. We balance each other out so well and make a great team. I’m grateful the Lord gave me someone who is such an incredible partner. With Moises around life didn’t feel like it was at such a stand still.
But lately, the last couple of months really, I’ve been feeling stuck again. I see so many people around me starting careers, buying houses, getting new pets, and having babies while Moi and I living on pause. We can’t get new jobs before we move unless we want to risk burning bridges. We can’t buy a house because we’re moving! We can’t get another dog. We don’t even know if we can bring the one we have with us. We definitely can’t have kids, unless we want to learn a new culture and language while trying to be new parents.
The end no longer looks near and excitement of going no longer outweighs the struggle of living in limbo. The truth is I’m jealous of the people around me. I’m jealous of the new homes, jobs, kids and pets. I’m jealous because they are all things I want. My flesh wants nothing more than the beautiful house decorated to Pinterest perfection, two dogs to adore, my dream job working for a publishing company and to get ready to start having kids! But there is a constant tug-a-war going on in my heart. Because my spirit wants nothing more than what God has asked of me: to move overseas and live in a land very different from my own, a place where they do not know the power of the name Jesus.
How do I reconcile these two desires? I want what God wants for me. I want God’s calling for my life. But I also want to be able to drive to my parents’ house on the weekends. I want my dog living with me and another to go with him. I want a house to call our own and make it into a home. I want my mom around when I experience my first pregnancy. I want the life I’ve dreamed up in my head.
I’m not proud of the way I’ve been feeling. In fact, I feel a lot of shame over it, but I also don’t want it to control me. So, I’m airing it out in the light for all to see and praying the Lord will use this for His good in some way. God, more of You and less of me. Help me to desire You and You alone. Take the ugly truth about my selfish heart and turn it into something beautiful.
“Arrive shipwrecked / on the shores / of grace. / Even when / things fall apart, / you will still / be okay. / Breathe here. / Rest here. / Be here, / now, / by faith / see how / deep within the night, / the moon has swept / the floor with Light: / a soft reminder for the soul: / though the mind / is prone to wander, / He brings you back. / He makes you whole.”
~Morgan Harper Nichols